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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:24 am 
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@Epilogue: I like it! The meditation scene is a nice way to wrap it up. There's a really appealing parallelism with the Prologue, which starts out as "Sharaka burned," which she does here too, and her meditation also parallels interestingly with her panic attack from the prologue.

Thanks! It wasn't a completely conscious choice, but fire is a very ambivalent symbol for Sharaka so it makes sense. Btw: the first time she accidentally set something on fire was the night after her mother's culling, when she manifested magic for the first time.

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I also like Sharaka's continued distrust of Elphimas despite trying to trust him.

Even before Sophron, viashino have a racial distrust for... basically any non/viashino hammered into them since young age. It may be useful as a survival tactic, but it's not as useful for heartfelt conversations.

Now I'm imagining Dorn meeting Aloise. Oof.

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I can't help but picture Sharaka, maybe lying back on the grass and becoming increasingly annoyed and bored at Elphimas's long-winded, overly technical explanation of planeswalking and the Blind Eternities. It reminds me of the time in War of the Wheel when Denner is trying to figure out how Antine could have possibly gotten lost:

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He didn’t understand it. He had been so careful with his explanations to Antine. He had carefully explained how, if the fox would simply follow what Xac of Tryx had named the “third subconverginal nuance of the aether” until he encountered a transpulsar wave, and then continue along a quasidirectional manafluxional line, he would arrive right where Daneera and the others were. He couldn’t understand how the fox had gotten lost!


I wonder if any of us could possibly understand a hypothetical conversation between Elphimas and Denner...

I love coming up with pseudo-jargon; Elphimas tries to use simple terms when talking to laymen, but I'd be delighted in writing a dialogue with another scholar, with other people's brains tapping out after the first two lines :D

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I noticed several typos right in a row in the second section. I didn't jot them all down, but they started with this line:

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Did he really thought nothing of being brought to tears like that?

On it! I'll reread this multiple times before putting it to vote.

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Thanks for posting! I look forward to seeing where Sharaka goes from here!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 1:36 am 
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The story is now complete. I put a copy of each chapter in the first post. I'll keep this thread around at least a couple of weeks before putting the story up to vote.

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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2018 5:09 pm 
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Thank you for sharing, and I apologize for not getting around to commenting earlier, because I enjoyed this. You do a really good job of portraying the frustration she has with sitting around waiting to heal, and how that affects her temper. It's interesting that she ends up in a situation that mirrors her captivity in a way.

The fact that Elphimas knew her gender is intriguing; that, though, makes her question at the end more than fair. Granted, her outburst in the library was a little less justified, but understandable given what she thought was going on. I'm guessing that "sick excuse for a person" hit closer to home than the accusation of wanting to study her, given Elphimas's unique situation, but she wouldn't have known that. And it's very nice that his instructions actually worked. How many planeswalkers make it back home after their first 'walk? Too bad her missing arm could be considered a reason for culling...

Meanwhile, I noticed several constructions and/or typos that sound odd to a native ear; would you like me to do an editing pass?


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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2018 5:42 pm 
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Brentain wrote:
Thank you for sharing, and I apologize for not getting around to commenting earlier, because I enjoyed this. You do a really good job of portraying the frustration she has with sitting around waiting to heal, and how that affects her temper. It's interesting that she ends up in a situation that mirrors her captivity in a way.

Thank you! I didn't think a lot about it, but the fact she's practically prisoner of her (healing) body works in a few different ways.

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The fact that Elphimas knew her gender is intriguing; that, though, makes her question at the end more than fair.

Short answer: Elphimas caught a glimpse of Sharaka's mind/soul.

Long answer: Elphimas' vision is pretty weird; they don't exactly see, they... pick up information from the outside. With their eyes open, Elphimas could probably manage to "see" sounds; furthermore, since the opals in their eye sockets are amplifiers for all kinds of perception magic, Elphimas can "see" parts of a target's mind, magical aura and/or soul. (a very versatile ability, but usually requires effort to be useful) And once they learn the gender you assign to yourself they don't have any wish to investigate further.
(to top it off, Burnspine viashino have a peculiar relationship with gender - see the Thamirelk's dossier for more details - and Sharaka's is especially... complicated)

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And it's very nice that his instructions actually worked. How many planeswalkers make it back home after their first 'walk?

I choose to believe that among the countless baffling technicalities Elphimas managed to teach a few genuinely useful tricks, they certainly have the necessary experience :D

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Too bad her missing arm could be considered a reason for culling...

That you'll have to wait and see. (or you could ask me to bore you with the details) Some of the things in Sharaka's mind (especially in Another Day, Another Fight) were written before I had a comprehensive idea of how the Burnspine viashino tribes work. I could have tried to edit them, but I decided to keep them: Sharaka isn't in the clearest state of mind and she has a number of misconceptions about what her society expects from her. To top it off, I still haven't decided her age but she's around 17, not an age usually linked to maturity and level-headedness. Burning Home will clear most of these doubts.

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Meanwhile, I noticed several constructions and/or typos that sound odd to a native ear; would you like me to do an editing pass?

I would be very grateful if you did! Even after rereading it a bunch of times my brain still pretends not to see mistakes, probably because it's reading my idea of the story rather than the words I actually wrote :blush:

Thank you for reading!

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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2018 10:37 pm 
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Ack! I see that I've fallen behind on this one -- but I'm looking forward to catching up soon!

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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2018 5:46 pm 
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I've been informed that there are the grounds to assume most, if not all, the viashino in Dominia keep growing bigger as they age. For this reason I edited the flashback in the first chapter; in the following spoiler there's the new version with emphasis on the edits.
Spoiler

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