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PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2018 8:40 pm 
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Explosive Venture
by PD
Status: Public :diamond:

Content warnings: Extreme violence. Violence against children. Bodily fluids. Drugs. Guns. Torture.

The story is depicting a toxic combination of a twisted hierarchy combined with an equally savage response. A trollian mono-:r: mage that is a combination of mind mage and pyromancer faces off against three highly dangerous adolescents with post traumatic stress disorder. He and his boss are running an algaculture plant that is attempting to make a renewable source of fuel for the rest of the world. However, he and his boss don't see eye to eye regarding keeping the place secure from kids that were kicked out of a distant land and forced to wander the surrounding wilderness for the sake of a twisted tradition.

A lot of blood, and other fluids, are going to leave these bodies in a visceral depiction of spellcasting and sharpshooting, and is meant to kick-start the plot that would spar three large organizations against each other in future story arcs.

The most important question is whether or not this story is appropriate to tell, at all, on M:EM. This is Rakdos-level grossness that everyone wants to see but nobody feels proud of themselves for experiencing it.


Last edited by preadatordetector on Fri Apr 06, 2018 12:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2018 1:31 pm 
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As the previous pusher of the R-rating... Revel exists. And Justice, which opens with a little girl being brutally beaten to death. And Evolution... Basically my Ravnica and Lourima stories. And where I really pushed buttons in Parts Unknown.

My opinion is, if the story NEEDS brutality, go for it. Ask yourself why you're depicting this the way you are, and if there's a narrative reason, well some narratives deserve a hard R.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2018 2:18 pm 
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Honestly, the brutality won't bother me as much as some of the obvious trappings involved in this story.
I'm not getting a lot of sense of how this story feels like it belongs in Dominia between things like fuel research, guns, and what is effectively feeling like a corporation.

Beyond that, I'm really questioning the mind mage and pyromancy combo, because that does not feel like a naturally connected field of study.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:06 am 
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Barinellos wrote:
I'm not getting a lot of sense of how this story feels like it belongs in Dominia between things like fuel research, guns, and what is effectively feeling like a corporation.

Counterpoint: Jackie became a legend, among other things, by basically dismantling a corporate-smelling cabal specialized in resource control in a plane with guns and relatively low magic.

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Beyond that, I'm really questioning the mind mage and pyromancy combo, because that does not feel like a naturally connected field of study.

That I agree wholeheartedly with. Mind magic and electromancy would be a cleaner fit, especially if medicine already had its Galvani; while pyromancy indeed invokes very primal feelings, a proficient sparkmage can be properly terrifying too, especially if equipped with a distressingly/erratically accurate knowledge about nervous systems. That said, maybe pyromancy is his "instinctive" field and the other field is his actual academical interest? (Beryl's "small magic" and building-leveling tiers of pyromancy only tie with each other for the stark contrast, after all)

Also, does the troll manipulates emotions rather than thoughts? The finesses of mind magic are usually linked with :u:, after all.

PS: Tevish's Ravnican cycle fascinates me, so you won't have objections about the rating from me; by the way, a story of mine has a graphic sacrifice of a living newborn baby, soooo yeah :sweat:

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 4:22 pm 
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I think it comes down to having a reason. if you're being gross just to be gross then that's probably not worthwhile, but some stories need darkness and you shouldn't shy away from it if it's called for. I just think it's worth checking in with yourself occasionally to make sure it's not getting gratuitous.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 5:05 pm 
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Barinellos wrote:
I'm not getting a lot of sense of how this story feels like it belongs in Dominia between things like fuel research, guns, and what is effectively feeling like a corporation.

Counterpoint: Jackie became a legend, among other things, by basically dismantling a corporate-smelling cabal specialized in resource control in a plane with guns and relatively low magic.

The difference being is that has roots to fit in as shorthand so that the readers can engage with fantasy elements in the setting.
Building everything from the ground up, this feels substantially more like a cyberpunk story than it does a fantasy one. It's leading expectations that clash with the aesthetic.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:02 pm 
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Uh, quick reminder that this thread is more about the amount of mature themes that are contained herein rather than the idea that the story would fit in or not. There are some things I don't like about WotC's writing style that feel lazy, and considering some of the things that I wish were in some stories like the XLN block I am willing to sacrifice some of the fantasy style in exchange for more thorough and faithfully written storylines, characters, and motivations. That being said this is also my first second attempt at an M:EM story that I am establishing in what I'm trying to make as a magically weak sector of the multiverse, but with more fleshed-out and better-researched cultural and political references. It is my first story I am going to tell and therefore making something that is a very far out or very narrow part of my reach, interests, or understanding is not something I would even attempt to do, as that would inevitably sacrifice quality for, well, something that I don't want to spend energy in giving a name to. Regardless of which there is magic, but it would be portrayed in a light that is less like Alice in Wonderland and more like Phantasy Star.

Quote:
Quote:
Beyond that, I'm really questioning the mind mage and pyromancy combo, because that does not feel like a naturally connected field of study.

That I agree wholeheartedly with. Mind magic and electromancy would be a cleaner fit, especially if medicine already had its Galvani; while pyromancy indeed invokes very primal feelings, a proficient sparkmage can be properly terrifying too, especially if equipped with a distressingly/erratically accurate knowledge about nervous systems. That said, maybe pyromancy is his "instinctive" field and the other field is his actual academical interest? (Beryl's "small magic" and building-leveling tiers of pyromancy only tie with each other for the stark contrast, after all)

Also, does the troll manipulates emotions rather than thoughts? The finesses of mind magic are usually linked with :u:, after all.

PS: Tevish's Ravnican cycle fascinates me, so you won't have objections about the rating from me; by the way, a story of mine has a graphic sacrifice of a living newborn baby, soooo yeah :sweat:

Funny thing, the mind magic is the troll's instinctive field, while pyromancy is his academic field. In this plane trolls range between powerful empaths to fast-healing supersoldiers. Also there's a faction that specializes in pyromancy that the troll learned his skills from. Said troll is really, really high on the psionic scale for his species and mainly uses :r: magic, which would be given a thorough display in this story. Most trolls only have an intuitive understanding of emotions but there is a sizeable number whose psionic power extends to the point where vivid memories and neural infrastructure that create emotions could be manipulated as easily as physical objects. :r: magic would also be extended to include darker feelings such as fear, disgust, and desperation.

The character uses pyromancy to complement his mind magic, but I could see it be reasonable to show off electromancy as well. However that might be giving the character too many powers which will become a problem, especially in a low-magic setting where most of the cast shouldn't be stocked full of supernatural powers.

...

A solution might be that the character needs fuel and oxygen to use pyromancy, to suggest that he provides the energy needed to spark that fuel and therefore he could just be a natural mind mage/electromancer that has an academic competence in pyromantic spells, not to mention that the electromancy could be really weak, just enough to mess with input for devices but not enough to shock someone to death. Looking over the draft I didn't give the troll character natural flamethrower powers by any chance so it's more than possible to make a rule that would limit his abilities this way.


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