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|Election of God in 2008 (translation of an absurdist article)
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|Author:||UselessCommon [ Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:09 am ]|
|Post subject:||Election of God in 2008 (translation of an absurdist article)|
Election of God in 2008
Material from absurdopedia.net . Translated by UselessCommon. Some names and facts related to them are changed to loose american analogs. For great justice.
The election of God in 2008 is an important historic event. Accоrding to the divine Constitution, Jesus Christ, that held the position for two 987-year terms (from 33 AD to 2007 AD) cannot be elected for the third term in a row.
Table of Contents
1 Potential successors to the acting God.
2 Other likely candidates.
2.1 I.S.L.A.M. party block candidates.
2.2 Joseph Smith.
3 Jesus Christ as a possible candidate.
4 Cthulhu as a possible candidate.
5 Donald Trump as a possible candidate.
6 Mordor Party candidates.
Potential successors to the acting God.
Jesus Christ has declared a name of his successor: Alexei Michailovich Ridiger, the acting patiarch of a Russian Orthodox Church, the one and only true church. Grateful for trust, Ridiger offered to Jesus a position of a Pope in case of his victory.
It should be noted that politicial scientists offered an alternative to Ridiger — Joseph Ratzinger (criminal nickname - Benedict XVI.). His popularity is roughly equal or maybe even slightly higher than Rigider's. [ What, like, reeeally ? ]. However, their ratings aren't even close to the rating of an acting God.
It's unknown whether Ratzinger will run for God in an upcoming election.
Other likely candidates.
Politicial scientists declared their choice of other likely candidates:
I.S.L.A.M. party block candidates.
A popular poltician, and a founder of the block. Lately, his popularity multiplied due to eccentric press-conferences with liberal use of pyrotechnics and fencing. Defender of rights, especially of a woman's right of anonymity. Author of an award-winning book series.
An acting head of a block. Rarely appears in public, but his name is widely known. It's highly likely that Allah will run for the position, while Muhammad will lead the electoral campaign.
It should be noted that the I.S.L.A.M party block has a lot of associates among the large oil-producing companies.
Joseph Smith as a possible candidate.
Some politicial scientists predict a return of their colleague, Joseph Smith. However, the use of miracles during an election race is banned by the Constitution, so this development remains highly unlikely.
Jesus Christ as a possible candidate.
Despite that Jesus repeatadly stated that he won't run for the third term, a lot of activists begged him to reconsider his stance.
The God declined those offers, saying that he doesn't want the so-called «Israel Scenario», when the same god holds his post for many millenia, and that he will not change the Divine Constitution to suit his needs.
Cthulhu as a possible candidate.
Cthulhu also may run for God, but many analytics call that a silly idea. The thing is, Cthulhu already has been a God, but was impeached for sleeping at the workplace. This story has serously lowered his ratings. Currently, the negotiations with the Mordor Party are taking place. Traditionally, Cthulhu was offered all abilities of a Creator for the support of the Mordor Party candidate. Cthulhu decieded to think about it.
Donald Trump as a possible candidate.
Donald Trump also will run for God, because he has a lifetime-season ticket for elections, he is a real dude bro, and, if elected for God, he will finally build that damn wall and banish all immigrants to where they came from.
Morgoth party candidates.
Despite the constant refusal to register this candidate by the current God and his cowardly pawns from Electoral Comitee, Sauron, the leader of a Mordor Party, proclaimed, that in case of an another dismissal of his registration he will attempt to start the Dagor Dagorath by any means at his hand, will use the services of professional terrorists, and will revise all the Laws of Nature. He threatened to hold the Earth hostage by the United Peacekeping Legion of Darkness, and to take an unimaginary horrible revenge on the Jesus. The God was offended by this proclamation, and the Electoral Comitee had sued the Morgoth for slander and blackmail. As of this moment, the proceedings aren't over yet.
Saruman, a likely candidate, despite his earlier doubts, after a long scrying on the Aragorn's internal organs, achieved enlightment, urged his Uruk-Hai followers to support the Morgoth, and immediatly resigned. The local observer, "Isengard-Press", refused to comment on this.
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